Tracing the Stars Read online

  The last six weeks had been pretty good. I spoke to Diane once a day, and Barbara about once a week. Apparently, Leo had gone back to his teaching position at the University of Chicago, and he was up for tenure, so I knew he was busy. My thesis was accepted, and I was due to graduate shortly after the baby was born. Gretchen and Damien had a wedding planned in a couple of days—they didn’t waste any time—and I was nervous because I knew Leo would be there. Lucky for me, the wedding was in Yosemite, a favorite spot of Damien’s, so I could drive in for the day without worrying about going into labor. It was only a two-and-a-half-hour drive.

  I finally met Kais, Ana’s boyfriend from her practice. He was charming the pants off of her, and I knew she was smitten. Life was good for the most part, but I was lonely. I missed Leo with a burning passion. I missed kissing him, the way his breath tasted, the softness of his brown hair, the stubble of his cheeks against my neck, between my legs…

  Mostly, I missed our camaraderie. I hadn’t noticed how close we’d gotten until something would happen and I’d turn to tell him, remembering only then that he was gone. We weren’t in Antarctica anymore. He was no longer forced to be around me all day, stuck with the same forty or so people. For a while when I got back, it seemed like it had all been a dream. Maybe I had been hallucinating, maybe I’d overvalued our relationship. Maybe he never felt the same way. I guess I’d never know why he walked away, but it still hurt like hell nonetheless. Life went on in Berkeley, buzzing and honking and yapping around me at all hours, but my heart remained in Antarctica. I would sit in the café around the corner and watch as hundreds of people would pass me by, walking along the sidewalk and chattering. I felt useless—like I was an uprooted tree searching for my favorite dirt. Like I didn’t belong anymore. Not without Leo, anyways. And I hated that feeling. I hated relying on him.

  Ana skips over and hands me a steaming mug of hot tea. It’s chilly outside, and everyone is gearing up for Halloween in three weeks. I sip the fruity liquid slowly as she watches me.

  “Do you want to talk about it?” she asks, watching me with hesitation. God bless my sister, ladies and gentleman. She is a saint. She’s been so selfless since I got back, especially considering what happened with Leo. She spends her free time painting the nursery, moving furniture, and giving me lots of foot rubs. I’m constantly harassing her about medical things involving the baby, and she assures me that everything will be fine. On top of all of that, she’s in a new relationship, juggling a booming career, and she even finds the time to volunteer on the weekends.

  “No,” I mumble, resting the mug on my belly. To say I’ve popped would be an understatement. I’m huge, practically cultivating a watermelon at this point. I can’t walk around too much, especially during the day when it’s warm, or else my ankles begin to swell. I live in sandals and sneakers. My breasts are ginormous, and every day that passes is another day I have to start addressing the reality of being a single mother. I wanted to do this with Leo, but I guess I wasn’t worth the effort.

  “Okay,” she answers, pulling my feet into her lap. “Did I tell you his ex-wife just remarried? I saw on Facebook.”

  “Oh,” I answer, trying to hide my smile. I hate to admit that one of the first thoughts that popped into my head all those weeks ago were thoughts about Leo rekindling his romance with Margaret. As if Jake dying had brought them back together. But I guess I didn’t need to worry about that anymore.

  “You know, actions speak louder than words, Em,” she says soothingly. I groan and tilt my head back as her fingers work my sausage toes.

  “What do you mean?” I know what she means, but I am feeling particularly sensitive, and I want to hear her say it.

  “The crib, the toys, the stroller… he cares about you. I think he still loves you, but he’s scared. He’s running away from the guilt. It won’t last forever.”

  I sigh. “While they are nice things, it doesn’t erase what he said to me.”

  I made a mistake.

  I never should’ve started anything with you.

  It was a fling, Emilia. Get over it.

  Remembering his words—the same words I’ve been swirling around in my head for weeks—still hurts like hell. I sip my tea quickly before Ana sees the tears welling in the corners of my eyes.

  “Are you nervous to see him?” Her large, hazel eyes probe mine.

  I shrug. “A little. It’ll be hard to see him and walk away again. I definitely don’t want him to see how huge I’ve gotten,” I laugh, resting my head against the couch. Bubba Gump, my mom’s cat, jumps onto my legs and I pull him into me tightly as he mews in protest.

  “You’re as gorgeous as ever,” she balks, rolling her eyes. “And you’re not that huge. I’d tell you if you were.”

  We both laugh.

  Gumpy hisses and jumps down, and I scowl after him. I never did like him very much, but right now, I’m desperate for bodily contact.

  “Even the damn cat doesn’t want me.”

  We both laugh again, trying to find the humor in my situation.

  *

  Two days later, I squeeze my round belly into the passenger side of Ana’s Mercedes coupe. She’s my date for Gretchen and Damien’s wedding, and also my moral support. I’m due in two weeks, and it definitely feels like it. We’re driving in for the day and she’s driving me home tonight. As much as I’m dreading the five hours on the road, she suggested that being close to home this far into my pregnancy was a better idea than staying overnight. I half-heartedly agreed.

  The drive is quick and mostly painless. Ana and I stop a few times to relieve my bladder, a side effect of pregnancy that I abhor. It’s like every time I have to pee, no matter what, like clockwork, I have to pee again thirty minutes later. By the time we begin the ascent up the mountains to Yosemite, it’s midday and the sun is shining. I open the passenger window and smile as the cool air licks my skin. I’m never taking the sunshine for granted again, and I feel as if I’ll never soak enough of it up.

  We wind down a narrow road towering with redwood trees on either side, and as we round a corner, we enter Yosemite Valley. A spectacular view of Half Dome appears, and I suck in a silent breath. It’s gorgeous. The trees, the smells, I want to absorb it all. We pull up to the valet at the Tenaya Lodge, and Ana and I trek inside to change in the bathrooms. Gretchen and Damien are having a quick ceremony out on the grand terrace at two, overlooking the woods and forest of evergreen trees, followed by a casual late-lunch reception at the famous Sierra Restaurant. I opted for a forest green, fitted, maxi dress that somehow doesn’t make me look like a whale, and flat, silver sandals. Ana helps me fix my hair—a loose, braided crown. I keep my makeup minimal, but at the last minute, swipe on my favorite dark red lipstick. For the first time in a long time, I feel beautiful.

  “I’m going to go save us seats,” Ana calls from the sinks as I pee yet again.

  “Okay. I’ll meet you out there.”

  When I finish, I wash my hands and look at myself in the mirror. I force myself to smile, take a deep breath, and step outside quickly, colliding with another body.

  “Oof,” I squeak, instantly stiffening.

  Evergreen.

  I close my eyes as I hear the other person step apart. I already know who it is, but I just need a second to pretend it’s not him. To pretend he didn’t break my heart, or abandon his promises to me. To pretend he’s not here after ten long, deplorable weeks alone. My heart starts to beat erratically as I slide my eyes up to Leo’s.

  He looks amazing. Of course he does. He’s grown his hair out and slicked it back casually. His scruff is pronounced, and his eyes pop against his light blue shirt, unbuttoned a couple of buttons and rolled up to his elbows. He’s wearing black pants and his trademark Converse. I notice the dark circles under his eyes and pray he’s been as miserable as I have. As his eyes adjust and take me in, his pupils darken and he gets that feral look on his face.

  So help me god.

  “Emilia,” he purr
s, giving me a seductive smile. It pulls me in straightaway, luring me in like a fisherman with a pole and bait.

  No.

  He broke my heart and ignored me for three months. He doesn’t get to act like everything is okay.

  “Don’t look at me like that,” I huff, beginning to walk away. He blocks my path.

  “I’m sorry, Emilia. I was hoping to find you before the ceremony to—”

  “To what?” I yell, my voice scathing. “Tell me we were a mistake again? Tell me you found a way to go back in time and erase us?”

  He frowns and shakes his head. “No. Nothing like that. I’ve been so stupid—”

  I laugh cruelly, interrupting him. “I might’ve forgiven you a couple of months ago. I was like a homesick dog, waiting around for you to apologize. But you didn’t. I ran through our argument in my head a thousand times, wondering what I’d done to push you away.”

  His face falls. “I’m so sorry, Emilia. I don’t know what else to say, other than I was wrong and I acted foolishly. Please, let me make it up to you?”

  “I have to find Ana,” I say quickly, pushing past him.

  A warm hand grabs me by the elbow. “Wait,” he begs, tugging me back.

  I stumble and huff. “No. I have to go. I hope you’ve been well, Leo.” I pull away and walk towards the back of the hotel, lugging my heavy tote bag with me. I must’ve pulled a muscle because a stabbing pain begins in my back. Wincing, I waddle to where everyone is beginning to sit down. Ana flags me down, and I must look like a sight because she jumps up and grabs the bag out of my hand.

  “Are you okay? You look—”

  “I don’t want to talk about it,” I interrupt, sitting down in the seat next to her.

  “Oh,” she whispers, just as Leo walks in and takes a seat across the aisle.

  Too close. I can smell him from here.

  The stabbing sensation returns. “Ouch,” I utter, leaning forward and rubbing my lower back.

  “What’s wrong?” Ana hands me a bottle of water. I love her. She’s always so damn prepared.

  I shrug. “I pulled a muscle lugging my tote bag. It’s fine.”

  Instinctively, my eyes dart up and find Leo’s. He’s sitting a few yards away, and seeing as the guest list must’ve been tiny, only a few people separate us. He furrows his brows in concern. He mouths, ‘Are you okay?’

  The music begins, and I don’t have a chance to answer him.

  His kindness startles me. For ten weeks, I’ve made him out to be the villain. For ten weeks, the only thing that helped was thinking awful thoughts about him. How selfish he was, how egotistical he could be sometimes. But the Leo watching me from a few feet away? He’s attentive, pleasant, and caring. Gretchen’s words from a couple of days ago pop into my mind.

  I think he still loves you, but he’s scared.

  He’s running away from the guilt.

  It won’t last forever.

  Maybe—just maybe—he’d let grief and guilt swallow the wonderful man I knew him to be.

  The procession is beautiful. Gretchen walks down the aisle with her father. Damien stands proudly at the altar, beaming at his bride. I swallow the lump forming in my throat.

  I wanted this. I wanted this with Leo, and now? We’re practically strangers. I don’t look at him again.

  The ceremony is only a few minutes long. Gretchen’s simple, short-sleeved dress is long and flowing, casual enough to wear again. Neither of them have a wedding party, and once the non-denominational officiant declares them husband and wife, the party begins.

  I follow Ana inside the restaurant, giving Gretchen and Damien a big hug before finding my seat next to my sister. I groan when I sense a tall, foreboding presence sit down on the other side of me.

  “What’s wrong?” Leo urges, sitting down in his assigned seat next to me placing his hand on top of mine. I pull it away instantly as I see Ana mumble something about getting more coffee. She leaves us alone.

  “Nothing’s wrong,” I lie, taking a steady breath as the pain sears my back, wrapping around and tugging my stomach muscles downwards.

  “Your face is stark white and pinched in pain, Emilia,” he murmurs, studying me closely. “And you’re sweating.”

  “Oh, fuck off,” I bark, standing too quickly. The sharpness wrenches again in my stomach, and all at once, I feel a gush of water between my legs.

  Oh no.

  Hell no.

  “Leo,” I say calmly. He hasn’t noticed the puddle of water at my feet. “I need you to go find Ana,” I say slowly, breathing loudly as I sit back down.

  His cat eyes travel down and widen when he sees the wetness spread along the bottom of my dress.

  “Are you—”

  “Would you just shut up and go find her, please?” I hiss, staring at him reproachfully. He jumps up and jogs away, leaving me to start gathering my things. I try to quell the panic, but it’s no use. I’m three hours from my doctor, and if the water already broke, it means things might be progressing quicker than I anticipated. I unlock my phone and search for the nearest hospital. A quick Google search tells me there’s a hospital forty minutes away in Mariposa, thank god. Just then, Leo returns with Ana.

  “Em, Leo just told me—” Her wide eyes dart to my waterlogged hem. “Oh, fuck.”

  Before I can answer her, Leo reaches down and pulls me up by my hand. He places an arm around my shoulders, and I see him grab my purse, phone, and tote bag.

  “I’m fine,” I growl, shoving his arm off of me. I yank my purse away from him and reach for my phone, but he pulls it away, unlocking it and making a call without my consent.

  I look at Ana with wide eyes, as if to ask, ‘Is he fucking kidding me right now?’

  She smirks and looks away.

  “Hello, Lorelai? It’s Leo.” He pauses and smiles, and just then, a shooting pain erupts in my midsection, making me groan out loud and lean against the side of a wall. Leo holds me up as Ana runs ahead to get the car. “Emilia went into labor.” Pause. “Yes. Water broke.” Pause. “We’re going to find a hospital nearby. I don’t want to risk it. I’ll keep you updated, but why don’t you head in this direction, and I’ll give you an address as soon as we have one?” I close my eyes and concentrate on the contraction. Leo’s voice is so smooth, calm, and collected. I, on the other hand, want to cry hysterically.

  I’m not ready. I was supposed to have two more weeks. The crib is set up, but that’s it. I have one pack of diapers from the small baby shower my mother threw a couple of weeks ago. I have a birth plan—a meticulously thought out, perfectly organized birth plan—but it’s sitting on my desk at home. I take a deep breath and try to suppress the anxiety and chaos of emotions pulsing through me.

  Leo hangs up and pulls me into the crook of his arm. As he leads me to the lobby, I try to pull away to no avail.

  “Relax, Emilia,” he murmurs into my ear. “Let’s just focus on having this baby.”

  “There’s a hospital in Mariposa,” I say quickly. “Forty minutes away.”

  Leo nods. “I’ll call to make sure they accept your insurance, and that they have the capabilities to handle a C-section if necessary. I want a fully-equipped hospital.”

  I hadn’t even thought of that. “Okay.” I wince as my back begins to ache. “I don’t want a C-section. They are not cutting me up and laying my intestines on a table. Do you know how many germs are crawling around in a place like that?” I shudder, and Leo just chuckles beside me.

  “Whatever results in a healthy mother and baby is the best option, but we don’t have to talk about that right now.”

  I begin to panic. I toured the hospital in San Francisco. I love my doctor, a friend of Ana’s. I even had a bag of hospital things packed—music, clothes, and other miscellaneous comforts to ensure my time was as easy as possible.

  Now, I won’t have any of that, and the unease I feel at being unprepared is crippling.

  “What’s wrong?” Leo asks, opening he lobby doors and guiding me
through. He sits me down in a chair near the large, circular driveway as we wait for Ana to pull up.

  “Nothing.” I grit my teeth as a wave of pain passes through my abdomen. “Oh, shit,” I mutter, breathing hard and trying to concentrate on anything other than the agony.

  Hot damn, this hurts.

  “You just seem…” Leo trails off as he brushes a strand of hair out of my sweaty face.

  “Unprepared? Panicked? Anxious? In pain? Yep, all of the above. Thanks for asking,” I snip, closing my eyes and leaning back into the chair, praying Ana hurries. It feels good to take my anger out on him. Especially right now, as I try to get through the cramping one second at a time, it’s so satisfying to see the hurt on his face. I decide to twist the knife. “You can go back to the wedding now. Thank you for helping me into the car.” Ana screeches around the corner, and I stand to get in.

  “I’m coming with you,” he growls, the hurt evident on his face. A second later, it’s replaced by aggravation and rage. “I’m a part of this too.”

  I see Ana open my door as I turn around. “No, you’re not. I don’t need you. You’re not the father,” I add, knowing I went too far with that one.

  Good.

  He hurt me, and I wanted to make him pay. He didn’t get to swoop in and become an important part of this day when he was just going to fly home tomorrow. I didn’t need that confusion. Right now, I needed stability, dependability, and most importantly? Good vibes.

  And Leo was killing my good vibes. I wanted to bite his head off.

  “Emilia, maybe he should go with us. I’m on call starting at ten—Kais is out of town, so I’m the only one available at the practice tonight—and Mom will be a nervous wreck.” She gives me an apologetic smile. “We’ll need a third person, especially if it’s a long night.”

  I scoff at her. Traitor. “Fine.” I turn to Leo. “But don’t talk to me.”