Tracing the Stars Read online

  “The risotto,” Leo says softly, keeping his eyes on me. The smell of something burning infiltrates my nostrils and I spin around, panicking.

  “Shit,” I squawk, scraping the burnt rice off of the bottom of the pan. “Did I ruin it?” I ask weakly, looking at Leo. He peeks over my shoulder and raises his eyebrows.

  “Almost. Close call.” You and your stupid, beautiful face.

  We continue with that batch, adding cream, parmesan, salt, pepper, peas, and mushrooms. I focus on the cooking rather than the way he stands behind me. I ignore the feeling of his hand on my lower back, or the way his face lights up when I smile. Once it’s done cooking, we pour it into one of the large vats. Leo covers it with foil and walks it into the freezer.

  “That should last you a month,” he says. “Or maybe a week if you love it as much as you loved my lasagna,” he adds, beaming.

  “Thank you,” I say genuinely, reaching for his hand. He pulls it away, and I try not to show how much it stings.

  “Emilia,” he sighs, covering his face. He lifts his head up and watches me with sad eyes. “Maybe tonight was a bad idea,” he utters, proving once again that he has my heart in his hands. And he just crushed it.

  “Why invite me here, then? Why do these nice things?” My voice is raised, but his moodiness is starting to wear me down in a real way. I can’t do this anymore. “It’s too hard to be your friend,” I add, and his eyes soften at my words.

  He takes a step forward, startling me. He reaches out and places his hands against the counter behind me, pinning me beneath his large frame.

  “One month,” he murmurs. “And a few days, but for our sake—it’s one month.”

  “I know,” I whisper, closing my eyes. “I’ve been counting down since we got here. But I want—no, I need—to make it a good month, Leo. This opportunity isn’t something that comes along every winter. And now with the baby, I feel like I need to work twice as hard. Why is this so complicated?”

  “Emilia,” he says, my name rolling off of his lips in the most divine, velvety way. He blows out a loud breath of air and stares at me, concern lining his face.

  A million things rush into my head. Only one stands out.

  I can’t take it anymore.

  “I just… I think…” I trail off. Every heartbeat beckons me closer to him, but the willpower to fight it is dissolving like quicksand, especially since he has me pinned beneath him. It’s hard to think clearly when I can feel his body against mine.

  “I’m done fighting this, Emilia. I can’t—” he looks away and rubs his mouth with his hand. “I can’t be in the same room as you without wanting to bend you over a table. I can’t look at you without imagining the sounds you made when you were with Jake. Every pore, every cell in my body needs you. I’m done fighting. But,” he adds, his face solemn. “I can’t break the rules, Emilia. I’m so scared of losing everything.”

  I watch him as his mind fights with his body. The battle is evident on his face. “What are you saying?” I whisper.

  “We don’t have to break the rules tonight,” Leo says, pushing himself gently against me. I whimper. Damn these out-of-control hormones. “There are loopholes for every rule,” he bends down and whispers into my ear.

  “Loopholes?” I barely get the word out. My breathing is heavy; my heart rate is frantic. My body needs more of this—whatever this is.

  “You can share a kiss without actually kissing. You can have a totally erotic moment without shedding a single article of clothing. You can feel something without ever admitting it to the other person. Those are loopholes. Only we get to know what they really mean.”

  My knees weaken, and my legs feel wobbly. The butterflies in my stomach are going crazy, and the heavy want between my legs is throbbing now. He pushes himself against me again, and I cry out.

  “Leo,” I whisper, sensation exploding from my belly outwards. “What are you doing?”

  “Not. Breaking. The. Rules,” he responds slowly, leaning his face exceedingly close to mine. “Not kissing you,” he whispers, his breath hot on my lips. I close my eyes and reach up to grip his arms. “Not fucking you,” he whispers, his breath sliding across my cheek and sending shivers down my spine. I whimper as he thrusts into me. I can feel him against me.

  “Not feeling like you’re going to be the death of me,” he says slowly. “Not feeling one ounce of adoration for you. Not feeling a slow, painful death watching you walk around tonight in those tight, little pants,” he says, his breath tracing across my neck and down to my collarbone. I throw my head back just as he takes a step away. My arms fall to my sides.

  It takes me a moment to realize it’s over, and as I open my eyes, I see that he’s now standing against the opposite counter with his arms crossed. I wrap my arms around myself and stare at him, perplexed and emotional. His brows are pulled in and he’s breathing heavily.

  “Meet me in my room in ten minutes. I have to clean up, or Nathan will have me by the balls.”

  “Don’t you need help?” I push myself off of the counter but Leo holds his hands out.

  “Go. I’m at my wit’s end, Emilia. If you don’t leave…” he trails off and looks away. “I need a minute to compose myself.”

  I try to hide my smile as I walk out to leave. “See you in ten.”

  Never have those words sounded so erotic.

  E I G H T E E N

  Emilia

  I WRING MY hands together countless times as I pace and stare at the clock in my kitchen. Leo said ten minutes—it’s been fourteen, and I cannot find the courage within me to walk next door.

  What are you so scared of, Emilia?

  It would be foolish to think I haven’t wanted this since that first night in Christchurch. Every day down here is defined by him—every decision involves him. I can smell him when he isn’t around. I can hear his voice when I lie in my bed at night. He consumes my life. He consumes everything.

  Just as I take a deep breath and reach for the door, a knock sounds. When I pull it open, Leo stands on the other side, looking forlorn.

  “Problem with the telescope,” he says slowly. “I have to go.”

  I push the wave of disappointment away. “Can I help?”

  He watches me with a conflicted expression and sighs. “Yeah. Come on.”

  I close my door and follow him to the lab. Though the moment is gone—for now—I’m glad we’re spending time alone. I’m guarded around the others. Gretchen, Damien, Nathan… they provide me with a wall I can throw up between Leo and I, and right now, we’re totally exposed and raw. No matter how much I may want him in my bed, I can’t deny that I crave the connection even more. And as far as men go, I feel the most connected to him.

  Because of our past.

  Because that’s just the way we are—we’re two molecules that combust when we’re together.

  Like vinegar and baking soda.

  Leo unlocks the lab and switches the light on. I hang back as he walks to the main computer that controls the telescope. I study him as he bends forward and types in the password. His brow is furrowed, and his face serious. Leo in work mode is supremely sexy. I shuffle my feet as he types away.

  “What’s the problem?”

  “The frequency was disturbed. I need to reset everything.” He sighs and looks up from the screen, running a hand through his short hair. “I’m so sorry, Emilia. I need to stay here to make sure I can adjust it correctly. If I don’t, it could really set us back.”

  Again, I swallow the disappointment and give him a small smile. “Do you want company?”

  He grins. “Yeah. That’d be great. It’s going to be a long night, though.”

  I shrug. “It’s a good thing I don’t sleep anymore,” I chide, and we both laugh as I pull a chair up and park myself next to him. It’s true. Insomnia hit hard pretty early on. I thought it was my nerves at first, but once I found out I was pregnant, it started to make sense.

  As he computes the numbers, I fidget with my nail
s. Though we’re silent, it doesn’t feel awkward. Instead, I’m completely comfortable. Just as I’m about to offer to grab us some coffee—decaf for me—he sighs and pushes back from the desk. He reaches into his pocket and draws out a needle. I watch in shock as he lifts his shirt and injects himself casually.

  “Okay, those numbers need to run for a few minutes.” He places the used needle in an old water bottle. He catches me looking at him. “I have to put the used needle in a container—otherwise it’s considered hazardous.”

  “Oh,” I whisper, biting my lip.

  He turns to look at me, and a sad expression washes over his face. “This isn’t going to happen, is it?” Stunned, I open my mouth to argue, but he continues. “Every time I think…” he looks away and the muscles in his face tighten. “Once we get home, once I have a chance to talk to Jake…”

  Because as much as I want this, I am carrying Jake’s baby. He has a point.

  I swallow. “I understand, Leo. It’s okay.”

  His face turns to mine. His eyes—so sharp and clear—examine my face. “You’re worth more than this, Emilia. You deserve… you deserve to be with someone uninhibited. I couldn’t possibly hide what’s between us for the next month—couldn’t half ass it. I need all of you, and if that means I have to wait, then so be it.”

  A smile dangles on my lips. “I agree.” Looking down at my hands, I reach out for his hand and pull it into my lap. “If we can go almost five months, we can wait another thirty-six days.” When I look back up at him, his entire face softens. His expression is guarded, vulnerable… “God, Emilia… I’ve never…”

  I brush my thumb along his palm. My heart begins to race uncontrollably. His breath hitches as my fingers move along his rough skin. He pulls it away gently and places both hands on his knees like he’s about to push himself up. Instead, he blows out a loud breath of air.

  “You’ve never what?” I ask quietly. I have to know. Something inside of me is cracking, and I know he feels the same way.

  The computer chimes. He shakes his head. “Never mind.” His eyes find mine, trying to decipher my feelings. “I’m glad we’re on the same page.”

  I give him a timid smile. “I can wait a month,” I say casually. “It can’t be that hard.”

  He laughs. “We’ll see about that.”

  A few minutes go by. He types something into the computer and studies it with such fierce concentration… I feel my heart expand and contract with every beat. On the one hand, I agree with him. Just because we can’t contain ourselves for a month shouldn’t mean we should chance our respective careers. Especially with his childhood, and his mother… he’s worked so hard, and I’m not about to tempt him just so everything he’s built can come crumbling down. On the other hand, watching him as he pulls the side of his lip between his teeth as he reads something on the screen makes me want to give everything up for one night with him. The way he smiles at me every time he looks up. The shy expression on his face. I’d give it all up for him, if he asked.

  But he’s not going to ask, because he’s not that kind of guy. My mother was right. Leo is a good guy.

  “Just so you know,” he says slowly, leaning back in his chair and giving me a mischievous smile, “I had some pretty fun plans for us tonight.”

  I shove his shoulder playfully. “Tell me in a month,” I retort. “I don’t think I could handle hearing about it.”

  “I’m serious, Emilia. In one month, there’s no holding back.”

  I cross my legs and try to calm the blood whooshing in my ears. The throbbing between my thighs.

  “Good. I don’t want you to hold yourself back. I want it all.” I give him a wicked smirk.

  He groans. “God, you’re going to be the death of me.” He places his hands on his face. “You need to leave.”

  I chuckle and stand. “Have a good night alone, Dr. Kennedy.”

  I turn and leave, shaking my hips as I walk away.

  N I N E T E E N

  Emilia

  A COUPLE OF weeks later, Gretchen and I are stuck in her room due to the Condition One currently terrorizing the station. Our solution? Strong margaritas for her, and virgin piña coladas for me. As the wind howls and the lights flicker, we decide to make the best of it. I associate tropical drinks with beach days in San Francisco, the sickly sweet liquid to be reserved for a warm, sunny day. And that’s exactly what I need to envision right now, since the cold, snow, and darkness are starting to get to me. After a few reruns of Battlestar Galactica, I unload everything on Gretchen.

  “He what?!” Gretchen squeals, throwing one of her pillows at me. “Okay, okay, let me get this straight,” she slurs slightly, watching me attentively. God, I miss drinking. “You almost hook up the night he made you all of those lasagnas, which really, was so romantic.” I nod and start to speak but she interjects. “Then, you don’t really talk for a month. Then he gives you the best kiss of your life after the farewell sun party?”

  “Yes, but—”

  “Shh,” she interrupts, giggling. “And then he shows you the aurora australis?” She blows out a loud breath of air. “How are you even breathing right now, knowing he’s going to unleash all that tension on you the minute we land? I would be dead.” She sits back, clearly done arguing her point. “I mean, I like Damien, but Leo is a fine piece. You work with him every day, Emilia. How do you contain yourself?”

  I shrug. “I have no idea. Keeping busy helps,” I add, pointing to the second draft of my thesis sprawled on Gretchen’s dining room table. She was helping me earlier, but then we got distracted by Battlestar and Jamie Bamber’s pretty face, naturally. My thesis is due upon my return, so I’ve been staying up late to finish it before we leave.

  “He needs to get over himself,” Gretchen adds, pouring herself more margarita mix from the pitcher she has set up on her coffee table.

  “How so?” I snuggle up back into the sofa and bring my knees to my chest.

  She stares at me and raises a perfectly arched eyebrow. “Life is short. I won’t tell anyone—Damien won’t say a word, so long as he still wants some of this,” she adds, pointing to herself and giving me a roguish grin.

  “It’s against the rules,” I retort, annoyed.

  “Screw the rules.” She watches me for a beat and then lets out a heavy breath of air. “When’s the last time you broke the rules?”

  I bite my lower lip. “I’ve never really broken the rules. They are rules for a reason, Gretchen. They’re meant to be followed. You want to know what happens when you don’t follow the rules? This is what happens,” I add, pointing to my belly. I’m still not showing enough to elicit reactions from people at the station, but there’s definitely a small bump there now.

  Gretchen bursts out laughing. “That doesn’t count. A broken condom is still a condom. Come on, Emilia. Just once, take the rules in the palm of your hand and throw them over your shoulder.”

  I smile and shake my head. “It’s not that easy. The fraternization clause… We can wait a couple more weeks.”

  “Look, Emilia,” she starts, sighing. She reaches out for my hands. “You only live once. And I think—I know—this is not just some fling. The guy is obviously in love with you, and—”

  “What?” I interrupt, breathless. “He’s not in love with me.” The room begins to spin and I grip the hem of my sweater tightly as I swallow. The guy is obviously in love with you.

  “Trust your heart if the seas catch fire, live by love though the stars walk backward. E.E. Cummings.” I stare at her, and she just shrugs. “I took a poetry class in college.”

  I laugh, covering my mouth and throwing my head back. “You surprise me every damn day, Gretchen Thompson.”

  She shoves me playfully. “I’m just saying, follow your heart for once instead of the rules written in fine print on an obsolete contract. Well, obsolete starting in seventeen days.”

  I swallow a large sip of the sweet drink. I can’t wait to have a real drink after the baby is born. I
swear, my first request after laboring is going to be a large glass of wine.

  “He could lose his job if anyone found out about our kiss,” I say, guilt flooding over me. “I’d rather not risk it.”

  She nods. “He could.”

  “He could lose everything,” I whisper. “My mind is made up. I’m waiting.” She studies me for a minute, scowling. When did everything get so serious? I wish we could all go back to the first night. Drinks, laughing, nervousness… not a care in the world.

  “I lost my last boyfriend to cancer,” she murmurs, sucking on her cheeks as she closes her eyes. “Nine months ago.”

  “What?” I lean closer. “I didn’t know that. Why didn’t you say anything?” I ask softly.

  She shakes her head slowly and watches me with red-rimmed eyes. “That’s why I came down here. I had to get away from the institution we worked in, studied in… I had to leave the apartment we leased together. The same apartment he deteriorated in, the same bed he passed away in. I needed to get away from all of that. And Damien…” she smiles. “I found him just as my heart was thawing out. Just as I was beginning to accept everything.”

  I set my glass down and take her hand in mine. “I’m so sorry,” I whisper.

  “Do you know what my only regret is?” she asks, her voice hoarse. I shake my head. “I regret not telling him sooner. I regret the two years we spent studying side by side. By the time we figured out we were in love, we only had one year before…” she trails off and sighs. “Before he died. I wish I’d told him sooner. I wish we’d had more time.”

  I feel a tear slip down my cheek. “That’s awful,” I mutter, wiping my face. Crying has become my new jam. I cry over everything lately. Gretchen’s story pierces my heart, and I wish I’d known about her past earlier. She grips my hands and stares at me intently.